Syndi Ivashkov

Just when I thought I was over it, BAM someone goes ahead and mentions your name. This is no good, I need to change this habit, all my bad habits. Goodbye Facebook, Twitter. 

I don’t dream about you often, heck, I really don’t have dreams at all. Most of the time, when I wake up I just remember seeing pitch black. I LOVE my pitch black dreams.

However, today I woke remembering everything in my dream. I swear to everything that I was not drunk or on drugs or anything that might have triggered me to have this dream. I didn’t even speak to you. I did think about you though. I think about you everyday. Maybe not even second, minute, or hour of the day, but I do think about you at least once a day. I try not to, but eventually you come to mind no matter what.

On to the dream:

I was in a dark place, I couldn’t see anything but darkness. Slowly the darkness was going away with each step I took forward. I appeared to be in a classroom. No, it was THE CLASSROOM. As in the classroom we officially met in after 3 long years attending the same school. Interesting how we attended the same school but had no clue of the other’s existence. 
The room was empty, not really, you were there sitting at the first table near the window of the art room. You were wearing what appeared to be regular school uniform, well with the exception of your bright blue denim jeans. It seemed like you were working on something, but I couldn’t figure what yet.
I slowly approached you but hesitating whether I should tap you on the shoulder or just leave. I stood there and noticed you were actually drawing something. 

You turned to me, slightly surprised but you still smiled sweetly. That smile that didn’t feel forced or fake. I then found myself starring into those eyes. Your eyes, so green, clear, and they had this undefinable sparkle to them.
You said “Hey. What’s up?” Still smiling, but this time with that cheesy lip smile you do, and your eyebrows arched up a bit. “Nothing” a general response I give to people because I don’t want to actually go on about what’s wrong or stuff.
You then said “Oh come on, please” This time holding my hands but still smiling waiting for my response. I couldn’t tell you, i didn’t want to tell you. How I feel, I couldn’t get them into words. I closed my eyes to try to tell you, because I felt less nervous if I didn’t have your eyes on me. 

As I was about to get those words out, I felt a wind whip around me, and hugged my arms to my chest. Then I noticed that your hands were gone. I opened my eyes and saw a completely different surrounding in front of me. I was at a beach. It didn’t seem to be a beach I know of, mostly because the sand seemed lighter. The water must have been clear too, but I couldn’t tell because it was dark out. If I had to guess, it was around midnight because the moon was out and almost above my head. 

Despite how relaxing it was, I was a bit afraid so I decided to turn back and head towards land. But you were right behind me with a sadistic face, where was that cheesy smile? You looked sorrowful for the moment, and I didn’t like seeing you like that. It kills me. You looked at me with your eyes, but they felt different. These were not the same eyes I saw moments ago, they seemed dark, and that spark was gone. You opened your mouth to say something, but I already knew what you were going to say. I want to run, I want to call Tim. I want to run home. 

But it was just the two of us. All you got out was “I…” and you paused shortly to take a breath. I knew it wouldn’t be long until you got the rest of the words out. So I took my chance and started stepping back to where the water meets the sand, accelerating with each step. I felt the water rushing against my knee, it was about to reach my waist. My eyes never left you though, as you looked down at the sand and then back at me. By then the water had reach my chest and I could feel the cool water get colder as I got in deeper. I took one last look at you and threw myself back into the water. I felt my body go effortlessly deeper into the water. I was away from you finally. I wouldn’t have to hear those dreadful words.

Suddenly I felt the water pulling me in and I tried to swim back to you. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt the water pulling and pushing me like some sort of tug or war game. I was horrified and a rush of panic flashed in me. I felt myself losing grip of life, I felt hopeless. I knew it was going to happen, I was going to die. I felt my self drowning, and that’s when I heard it. Your voice. Slowly, I heard the words “I hate you”.

I woke up after that around 5 am. I don’t know if it’s because I feel you don’t like me, or because I may still be in love with you. How I always want to run away from something that eventually catches up with me. Maybe it’s my own mind telling me that no matter how much I try to run away from it, it is inevitable. One day it will catch up with me. I have been ignoring my feeling and running away from them when I should have accepted them. 

…Or maybe, just maybe I’m clinically insane. </3 

If there was a prize for procrastination, I would be first place. I have done everything but the English paper I have due 2moro. 

It’s so easily to get distracted in my room, library, or anywhere in this case. I have sung, danced, played, socialized, and almost everything you can think of. Why is it so easy to get distracted? And more importantly, why am I still writing and wasting my time writing this on Tumblr? I could have used this time to do my English paper! 

The only reasonable thing to do right now is take the anger and frustration out on my liver.

Oh the pain. -.-

Apparently, I was going to be the 9th child instead of the 8th. I can’t even begin to understand this yet. I don’t even know how I should feel about this. How much different could my life really be if there was another sister that was older than me?

Having 7 bothers and sisters are enough, I can’t begin to think of another. But I still wonder…